there are tons of things we see on a daily basis in the er.. death is one of them..
if a day goes by without someone dying its a shock and huuge. actually, we kept a tally before when it got past 3 days and let me tell you they were some of the happiest 3 days in the er ever.
but regardless, i guess its something you have to get used to.
but how?
how do you get used to watching someone die? or trying so hard with everything you have and then.. you have to just stop. its not fun. at all.
i think for most of us we kinda have to come to this realization that well, duhh, everyone dies. sometimes we feel its not their time but who are we to say? we aren't God, we ultimately cannot make those decicions.
realistically this is what goes through a lot of peoples minds (and I'm not saying this is how anyone in particular thinks, just stating the obvious so please don"t take offense to this.)
for peds cases: there too young to go, they haven't lived a full life.
for adults: again, didn't live a full life, or we wish someone could've been there for them to help them either physically or mentally or just to talk (especially in cases of suicide and/or overdose)
for geriatrics its hard.. either: they've lived a full life and they need to rest now, or, they still have good years ahead of them and we need them around.
I've experienced enough death in my life and i have to say, I'm pretty much done with it. too bad my career path is only going to expose me to tons more. regardless, i still get mixed emotions. i hate to see people suffering and i want to do anything to help them, but sometimes the best thing you can do to help them is to let them go.
i know this from personal experience but holding on to someone who is in pain from cancer of any sort isn't fun. its horrible for them to go through and for you to watch and i am not implying that "Kevorkian-ism" is a great way to go, at all. but I'm not a fan of keeping people hooked up to machines when they just need to go home.. the saying is "rest in peace" for a reason.
since Ive seen it from pretty much all sides i can honestly say, no. you don't get used to it. ever..
I've been the daughter who looses her father at a young age. I've watched my two of my grandfathers die from cancer. seen the affect of Alzheimer's on our family. and most important, I've lost wayy to many friends in my lifetime.
but I've also been on the other side. watching my patients and praying with and for them to get better and i come into work and they died overnight. i cant tell you how many times I've done CPR on a patient who was "fine. just had dinner and then they went". I've even had to perform CPR on a long time family friend who is going through soo many different things but didn't give up and were fortunate enough to still have her around. you don't get used to seeing people you know worry about there family member. or seeing a john or jane doe come in and your the one who has to identify them. i still think the worst is hearing someone you knew, grew up with, had so many memories with died.. i cant speak for anyone else in the field but, i feel helpless. a lot of "what ifs?" come into my mind.
but i also know from personal experience that you can what if all you want, its not going to change anything. it will drive you crazy though. which doesn't help.
so next time your in a hospital with a loved one and think that the way we act is cold or callous, please remember we have a family too. and in order to keep our sanity and not cry every couple minutes, we almost have to be that way. we are great at keeping walls up. God forbid they ever come crashing down though cuz it will be worse than if the Hoover Dam caved in.
to all those I've lost in my life: my family and my patients and to all those I've been with in their last moments, may you rest in peace and i pray an angel guided you to heaven.. please save me a spot! although, i don't plan on coming anytime soon. I've got to many things to finish here..
<3
